NOTE TO THOSE DIRECTED HERE FROM MY MAILING LIST ON 4/13/11: Woops! I gave you the same link twice in my email. This post below is about my divorce last year. If you want to read more about my musical progress recently, visit HERE: http://www.shericarr.com/sc/content/january-8th

So thanks to a friend's recent encouragement (and kick in the butt, thanks friend!), I sat down yesterday on an Atlanta "snow day" with my guitar, a keyboard, and my notebook...and the whole afternoon free. I didn't know what to sing or say after a long dry spell, but as my friend encouraged me, "Well, just write about that." I want to share the lyrics with you all (and it doesn't have a title yet, so I'm open to suggestions!), but first I wanted to talk about what led me here. Grab a cup of coffee, cause this might be a long one.

Many of you out there know that I've been walking through a pretty deep valley the last six months. For those that don't know, the very short version is that my husband decided to end our marriage. It came as a shock and total devastation to me, and I am still nursing a broken heart. I am hoping and praying for a miracle, as the legal part is not finalized yet, but in the natural it does not look likely. I have not seen or spoken to him since October 31st, which is the day after he walked out on me, and the day I moved in with my parents (who thankfully live only 15 minutes up the road!). I don't know what I would have done without them. Their support - as well as from other family and friends - has been beyond incredible. I suppose if there was any day it could have happened during the year, I don't mind at all that Halloween is sort of ruined for me.

After many tears shed, many sleepless nights, and many difficult days just getting up to go to work and trying to continue living....in the last few weeks over Christmas and the New Year, it's like the dark cloud has suddenly lifted. Through the love of friends and family, the amazing relationships God has provided at my new church - and in my new church's open door for me to use my gifts and talents through musically participating in worship as soon as I was ready - I have sensed an immense healing take place in my heart. I can laugh again, and strangely at times can't wipe the smile off my face because I see the goodness and mercy of God now in a way I never thought it was possible experience in the midst of pain. Those of you who have experienced loss in any way, shape, or form can relate, I am sure! This was the first great loss in my life, and the grief was overwhelming. I suppose at 32, I should feel blessed it took this long. I wouldn't wish grief like this on anyone.

All that to say that due to the fact that I am an "open book" sort of person and love to blog and write songs and share my heart and life with others...feeling like I had to live this secret, lonely life of pain for so long caused me to really shut down for a while. I forgot how to just "be" and to enjoy life and enjoy others - and enjoy God, even. I wanted to tell the world I was hurting, but felt to open all that up for the world to know would dishonor my husband while we were walking through it. I suffered silently a long time, really only telling my parents and my best friend. But as I felt it was okay to begin sharing it with people - as it became public to our home church through a letter from my husband just a few days after he officially left me - in the sharing, in the telling of my story, I have seen God do amazing things, both in and around me. It has been part of the healing process to open my life to the world again, warts & all.

I think for the last few months I was holding my breath, hoping he would come to his senses, hoping he would change his mind and that all this would be a distant memory. I so hoped that most of the world would never have to know that he ever wanted to leave me. Of course I was bound by shame, and the enemy had me convinced the Church would shun me, that I would never feel like I could or even wanted to lead worship again, that the scars were so deep and ugly that I would never recover.

Most of the time when I went to my new church, I would go to the service in the gym where the lighting was dark enough that I could cry all I needed and no one would really notice (except for the poor strangers to my right or left). I just allowed the music during worship to pour over my soul, for the words of each sermon to cut deep, and for the body & blood of Jesus during communion each week to cleanse me slowly from the inside out. I'm sure the poor strangers serving me the bread & juice wondered why on earth I always burst into tears as I took the elements. For the last five years, it was my husband who served me the elements. For those that don't know, he is a pastor.

So as I continue living, as I move on even though I don't really *want* to move on, and as I face these days ahead with much uncertainty, I am certain of a few things:

1) God's love never fails
2) He is not finished with me yet
3) The Church is an amazing gift
4) I can learn to love and trust again
5) Family and friends are priceless
6) Laughter is indeed good medicine, and
7) If there's anything that's okay for me to do right now....it's worship.

So as I began to participate musically in worship again a few weeks ago, I wasn't sure if I would just end up a sobbing mess, but I showed up anyways. I just sang, worshiped, and laid it all on the alter again. I think that first time back after months away from it was one of the most amazing times in worship I have ever experienced. His presence was so near and so real to me. It was an incredible gift, and I was so humbled. It was during advent, and we sang "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" and many others that talked about the expectancy of Christ coming, and about offering our gifts to Him. As I poured my heart and voice out to Him, He poured out new mercies and blessings - overflowing - in my heart and life. And I have not looked back.

I still have countless hurdles to get through - legal paperwork and attorney meetings and moving all my things out of the parsonage, and starting over with a new life and hopefully eventually new home and everything else - but I now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Jesus is holding my hand and WILL see me through. Yesterday I truly experienced a day that was just incredibly joy-filled, from start to finish. All I can say is what a Great Redeemer!

So finally....on to the song. I knew I couldn't worry about it being a "congregationally friendly" song that fit into a little box or prescribed purpose. I knew I just needed to start where I was at - wherever that was - and to just say what I needed to say to the Lord and not worry about how it sounded or who would like it. I knew whatever offering I could bring, that it would please the Lord if I just sang it from the heart. I don't know that I even think it's a *good* song...but I think it says what I wanted to say to Him perfectly.

Even though there's part of me that is hesitant to share it with anyone, I feel as though the Lord wants me to. It's like it's just another part of the healing process for me. It is saying that I am not ashamed anymore. God, I give you my life all over again, and ask that You spend it any way you want. You are worth it all.

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A Song Without a Name...by Sheri Carr 1/9/2010

I’ve forgotten how to write a song
I’ve forgotten how to sing along
With rhymes and melodies that open like a key to my heart
I’ve forgotten how to make a friend
I’ve forgotten how to love again
For no one can replace this painful empty space in my heart, no one

No one but You, Lord
No one but You
No one but You, Lord
No one but You

I’ve forgotten how to smile inside
But every tear I’ve cried will help these eyes
To see with hope again, for this is not the end, but the start
I’ve forgotten what my life was like
When it was only me and Jesus, I would answer when He called
And none should take His place after all, no one

No one but You, Lord
No one but You
No one but You, Lord
No one but You

Father, hear my cry
Breathe in me new life
Redeem, rebuild, restore
Make me wholly Yours

No one but You, Lord
No one but You
No one but You, Lord
No one but You