Hey all! Hard to believe it’s been two months since my last blog. It’s been an eventful time. I started a new job at my church as a full-time Ministry Associate for the Women’s Ministry. I am so blessed to be surrounded by some AMAZING women, especially the other three on staff with me in the Women’s Ministry office. The Lord is has been so faithful to take such good care of me time and again, and placing me here in this season is another good thing for me, I think! I’m so thankful for God’s provision financially as well. Huge blessing.

So this morning at department meeting, we repeated an exercise that had been introduced at a recent women’s fellowship as a means of sharing “what’s up” in our world. A number of items were placed on the table – a wash rag, fly swatter, paper bag, salt shaker, hammer, computer charger, and measuring spoons – and we were told to pick whatever item we most identified with at that moment, and to share why.

I chose the hammer.

I shared that today I basically feel like I’ve totally had the crud beaten out of me. Really, the last few years have sort of felt like that, nearly non-stop. I’m sure many of you can relate!

I think some of the stirring in my heart the last few days has been a sense of grieving over so much loss. Changing churches, jobs, homes, friendships, ministry, etc. much less while seeing my divorce finalized about 6 weeks ago and facing financial consequences in recent months has been a huge challenge to say the least (if this post is catching you a bit off guard here, read the last few to bring you up to speed, it’s been a long journey).

I attended a Vineyard worship conference Friday evening, and had dinner with a few dear friends beforehand that I hadn’t seen in almost a year. When I saw them walk into the restaurant, the tears just began to flow. To see faces that are so familiar, and people with whom I share so much history with, and whom have walked through so much with me - including my wedding day - it was just overwhelming. Healing, really.

I realize how blessed I am just to be known and loved, supported and cared for, encouraged and prayed for…by really more people out there than I can count, and including many of you. I may have days I am “surrounded” by other human beings, but still manage to feel terribly lonely – even at church on Sundays sometimes. In reality, I AM so supported and surrounded, even when I don’t always FEEL it. Not just by human beings, but of course by the Lord. Somehow I keep getting up each day and pressing on, by His grace alone. That is a testimony of His faithfulness.

I came home Friday night after the conference sort of feeling all nostalgic and pondering my past, and ended up listening through bits of old recordings I have had the privilege to participate in over the last 15 years of my life through my relationship with Vineyard Music. As I listened to the changing tones of my own voice, my own songwriting, my own heart’s cry over the years…I began to grieve even more. I found myself wondering, “What happened to that ‘fearless’ leader I used to be?” I feel like I used to be an adventurous risk taker, a confident leader, an active mentor, a diligent songwriter, a patient teacher - with a ‘voice’ to offer in many ways. Unfortunately, I feel like over years and circumstance that the crud has sort been beaten out of me along the way, and with some of that, some of those things have wained or disappeared altogether.

Though I know the Lord can use all things for good and that the “breaking” is not all bad by any means – in fact, I see much positive fruit that has grown because of it - in many senses it’s like the enemy has tried to knock the wind out of my song, to get me to quit, to give up, to lie dormant. Admittedly, I am tempted to just lie on the ground, wounded and exhausted, many days. I’m not sure in those moments that I have the strength, courage, determination, or will to get up yet again. Ever been there?

The songs that are coming from my heart these days are a different kind of song, and the voice I sing with is a different sort of voice. Maybe all along I was just “pretending” I was fearless and strong when in reality I was a mess and am just not as afraid now to be transparent and show it? I don’t know, but I do think there are things in me the Lord wants to restore with time as I learn to trust Him more, and trust others as well.

Sunday morning at church I had the morning off, and to be totally honest, I really cried most of my way through the service as I sat out in the congregation alone. I recognize how I just feel so broken, crumbled to pieces, really…and though I want to be strong enough to stand on my own two feet again so badly, I usually feel like I’m hobbling along on one leg and about to topple over at any moment should I get bumped, pushed, or leaned on too hard. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really able to continue on, you know?

I spent the afternoon at the pool, soaking in sun and doing a bit of journaling through things. Then I ended up seeing the new Karate Kid Sunday night with a few friends (if you haven’t seen either the old or new Karate Kid, this is a spoiler warning as to how it ends!). When it got to the last fight in the tournament, the coach of the other team basically tells the bully to show the Karate Kid (Dre) no mercy, and to “sweep the leg” or basically break his leg, which he tries to do. After the bully beats the heck out of the little Dre, they are tied and it’s down to the last point, but Dre is lying on the floor in terrible pain, and unsure he can finish.

As I saw the pain in his little face, and how he tried several times to pull himself off that floor but collapsed again - and how he told his coach (Mr. Han) how he wanted to finish this because, “I don’t want to be afraid anymore” of this bully bothering him every day - I got a bit choked up! I could so relate it to how I feel the enemy taunts me day after day, how he tries to scare me, beat me up, and cause me to feel completely defeated in my personal, professional, and spiritual life.

But I also related as I watched as Dre slowly pulled himself up off the floor, wincing in pain and so uncertain of the outcome, yet preparing himself to face the fight again...and all on only one leg. I watched as he then defeated his bully, and how he actually earned his bully’s respect for having persevered and won. Did I mention that there was a whole heck of a lot of training, discipline, pain, stretching, sweat, tears, and emotional things to work through along the way to Dre actually winning that fight?

In much the same way, I have seen it time and again in my own life: training, discipline, stretching, sweat, tears, and emotions to work through on the way to facing some of the biggest battles of my life. As I face each one, and as the enemy seems to take no shame in hitting me when I’m down - and taking whatever means necessary to try and “sweep the leg” – I may wake up each day and lie there in bed wondering if I can possibly face the pain and pick myself up off the floor again to face the fight. But somehow the Lord provides what I need to face my fears, face MY bully, get up off that floor, and in spite of the pain I may be in, fight the good fight for another day. And so it continues until the day He brings us home.

The good news? He already won. And in Him, we win as well. By His sacrifice and blood alone, we win. Because I hold on to this truth with all my might, and because of God’s great love for me, tomorrow I will get up, get out of bed, and - even if I have to hobble around on one leg - I will continue to trust in the One who has been training me, and keeps training me, in His ways.

Why? Because we know the outcome. If we are yolked with Him, it is impossible to lose in the end. We do get our happy ending. I love the saying that goes, “Everything turns out okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” Amen to that!

If God is for us, then who can be against us? We will never be put to shame.

All glory and honor to Jesus because of what He has done for us!

So I’m curious…what item on the table would YOU have chosen? Why? How might the Lord be speaking encouragement to you through it today?