So it’s been quite a while since I’ve blogged. It’s probably my first real case of true bloggers block. Every time I thought about blogging these last eight weeks, it just seemed like there was an emptiness, a void of any thoughts to blog whatsoever. Maybe it’s the pressure I put on myself to come up with something “deep” and meaningful in every blog - my inner perfectionist rearing its ugly head.

That, and one of my cats has a knack for finding ways to be reallllly distracting when I try to take some quiet time alone in my home office. When the blinds are drawn, she paws them like a washboard over and over and over….until I finally give in and open them. Or, she gently paws at my arm over and over…until I give in and pet her. Or, she wanders the house meowing aimlessly for no reason…until I give her kitty treats or a taste from the tuna fish can I used to make lunch. Silly cat.

Whatever the reason, I simply haven’t felt I have a lot to write about or share with the world. Not that I really do right now, either…but the only way I know to break the silence is just to start typing and see where it takes me.

So here I sit on a Saturday night (technically Sunday morning) at 1am - one of very few Sundays “off” I’ve had in the last fifteen years. It’s the kind of Sunday morning where I have the total option to go to church, not go to church, visit another church, or whatever I feel led to do. There’s something incredibly freeing about that, but at the same time makes me feel a little “lost.”

I grew up a pastor’s kid, became a staff worship leader at 18, became a pastor’s wife at 27, and in recent years have had Sundays become even more of a “working day” as I’ve traveled as a guest worship leader. Rarely does a Sunday come when there isn’t some kind of responsibility or expectation I “participate” in the service in some way. This means that Saturday night usually feels like a “school night” and I tend to go to bed early.

Tonight, perhaps the reason I’m still awake is that the little kid in me feels like I got two “Friday nights” in a row (by mistake or something) and that I refuse to go to bed simply because “I don’t have to.” I find it interesting that I’m not watching some random HGTV “House Hunters International” episode from Guatemala (as I’d expect I would be on a second “Friday night” in a row). Instead - for some reason I don’t really know - I’m blogging when I haven’t blogged in months. Hm.

Maybe it’s because my husband has been out of town for the past few days (& nights) helping lead a men’s retreat, and I’m getting a taste of my own medicine after being the one that’s been out of town for much of our married life the last five years. It sure can get lonely! That is part of the exact reason why I have been looking for a day job again. My heart longs to be on the road less and here at home more – not only be more involved at my church home, but to be more available to my sweet husband who has been here holding down the fort all this time, supporting my dreams and setting aside many of his. He made many sacrifices along the way, and for that I am forever grateful.

These are tough economic times, and though I never made much income from being a worship leader or “artist,” I am certainly making much less now that I am jobless altogether! Maybe that’s part of the reason why I haven’t been blogging – because I spend most every day, all day, scrounging the job ads online, filling out a gazillion job applications, emailing and faxing resumes, and not getting a single call for an interview. I think it’s more exhausting than having an actual job. Sigh.

I guess Christian musicians aren’t exactly what the secular business world is looking for in a secretary or school bus driver. Yes - I applied for and got turned down for being a school bus driver. That one hurt a little. I thought it might be fun and different enough to keep me a bit sane. I don’t really do well in cubicles and fluorescent lighting. But who does?

Then, the thing that used to give me solitude (music) seems a bit empty right now. Maybe that’s why I’ve resorted to cooking, baking, and knitting to pass the time so much lately. When I sit down with my guitar or at the piano, it’s like the well has gone dry. I have so little to say. I feel so weary. Admittedly, at times, God feels so terribly far away.

The only cry in my soul that rings over and over has been, “Where are You?” Maybe I should be ashamed of this, the “worship leader” that I am, but I’m over that. I thank the Lord for the example he gave us in the Bible through a man like David, whose psalms are full of many, “Where are You, Lord” moments. I think a transparent heart is what the Lord wants from us. He knows what we’re thinking or feeling anyway.

So maybe what has prevented me from blogging is the fear of being honest…or the fear of what the world will think of me if I’m really honest. I know there are ebbs and flows to the Christian walk – a season for everything. I suppose knowing that does help me to keep walking, to keep breathing, to keep seeking, to keep hoping. I really have nowhere else to turn. If I don’t have hope in Him, I really have nothing at all.

In the midst of my dryness, numbness, emptiness, void….I worship Him with stillness and silence, resting and knowing He is God. I ask the honest questions - like, “Where are You?” and He is not threatened. Instead, I sense that He would say, “I am here. Even when you don’t see me or feel me….I am here.”

I don’t plan on making any promises - to myself or anyone - to blog daily, or weekly, or even monthly from now on. I do, however, plan to keep seeking Him, trusting Him, and hoping in Him each and every day - even when there doesn’t seem to be anything to blog about or sing about. He is still worthy of every bit of blood, sweat, and tears - none of which have gone unnoticed by Him. I give Him no less than my all, though He knows I stumble and fall in the trying…daily.

I recognize that every season of our lives won’t look the same as the previous one. I know part of what He is teaching me now is that we have to be able to let go of the old in order to be free enough to grab hold of what lies ahead. I am thankful for each step in my journey, and trust that His plans and purposes for my husabnd and I are good, and that there is nothing to fear.

Just Live. Breathe. Walk. Sing. Seek. Hope. Wait. Trust. And occasionally…..

Blog.

“May the Master take you by the hand and lead you along the path of God's love and Christ's endurance.” (II Thessalonians 3:5, The Message)