So as I turn a year older (again!), it does seem to me that each year sprints by in more and more of a blink. This one especially snuck by without me much noticing at times (though there have been many others that seemed to drag on and on!). I have spent a good portion of the year away from home on various trips, etc, so I suppose the endless stream of airports and fast food has added to the "blur" effect of it all. Even so, I find myself reflecting more than usual on this day of March 9, 2009.

Whether it's birthdays or other reasons, I seem to be in a phase of taking stock of my life and perhaps experiencing a mini "dark night of the soul," if you will (if you read some of my recent blogs you probably already gathered that!).

It's not that I am personally having doubts about God's existence or presence in my life (I feel very blessed in many ways!) and it's not that I'm fishing for encouragement or compliments or for someone to tell me that what I do on this earth makes a difference (I do have the incredible blessing of often seeing glimpses of the fruit of what God is doing in and around me, thank you Lord!)...it just feels more matter-of-fact, really. At some point we all look back on what we've done with the last year, five years, ten years, twenty years...and wonder not only where it's all gone, but also what have we really done with it, you know?

I'm sure you've all at one point or another in your own journey had questions about your own life, about God's purpose in putting you on this earth, and about how well (or not) you are walking it out. How badly we want to hear Him say on that day we stand before Him: "Well done."

Presently, as most of you know, I'm a pastor's wife. My husband serves at a traditional church where they do mostly traditional hymns and practice a very traditional liturgy & order of service. I grew up this way (in traditional church), but for nearly twenty years of my life had attended much more contemporary churches, which then led to me serving on staff for almost fifteen years as a contemporary worship leader, which led to me writing contemporary worship songs, which led me to doing what I do these days - leading worship as invitations come and sharing some of the music that the Lord has birthed in my heart though my own experiences in life and with Him (either in person or via CD).

However, I have found out the hard way that it is really not "welcome" for me to really "be me" at my current home church. I say that again rather matter-of-factly. In fact, if anyone is reading this from my home church they have likely observed this already. It's really no secret - especially since I seemed to be a topic of discussion at our church for some time. After being their "Music Director" for about 8 months some folks wanted to "vote me out" and I basically decided I just wasn't a good fit and chose on my own not to renew my contract. I often felt I was hindering worship for folks more than really being a blessing anyways. After a season off altogether, I now play the piano once a month as a volunteer, which is simply to fill a current need.

The folks in the church all know I'm kind of loud and charismatic - and that I like that "rock and roll music" (as some of them love to call contemporary worship music). They know I am often on the road doing that very thing, and make no bones about it when they tell me whether they like - or don't like - my songs, my CDs, or my style of leadership. Many of them simply don't prefer that "rock and roll music." Fair enough.

While these sweet folks are singing "The Old Rugged Cross" or some other timeless, classic hymn (often with the organ), it would be quite out of context for me to really "be me" or I might actually scare some folks!

Now at our church they stand up and sit down at the appropriate times, honoring they Lord in their own way...but it's just not in the way that I would naturally choose to express myself in many a contemporary worship setting. Not that there's anything wrong with the way they worship, don't get me wrong. That's just my point - there isn't ONE RIGHT WAY to worship. I think that the beauty of the Church is how we worship in multitudes of different ways - all honoring the same amazing, creative God himself.

So, I have been on a journey these past few years to learn how to appreciate their style of worship. It definitely doesn't come natural to me, and I often feel like I'm living in a foreign country! However, if my job as a worship leader (even if I'm just leading hymns on the piano) is to help lead these folks into a place where they can openly communicate their love, reverence, praise, and worship to God, then I have found that I need to try to "speak their language" (as my sweet grandmother put it to me recently).

My grandmother was a missionary kid in Japan, then a missionary herself in Korea, and now serves in multitudes of ways in the United Methodist retirement community where she presently lives in Indiana. She has listened to my CDs, and even heard me lead worship live a time or two. Though she enjoys hearing me lead contemporary songs on the guitar - even tries to sing along and says that she finds them meaningful and enriching - she has told me that when I lead a hymn she knows and loves, that I am at last "speaking her language, and then the tears flow." That spoke volumes to me.

I have really tried to set my preferences and comfort aside in an attempt serve others. Hm. Sounds like something Jesus might do. Not that I am puffing myself up here at all - I'm actually trying to talk myself into continuing to do what I'm trying to do! Because the honest truth is that it is awkward! I feel so out of place most of the time. I wonder sometimes if I would actually serve more beneficially in a context where I could fully "be me," because at times I feel like I have to "be someone else" on Sundays.

For example, many folks at my church prefer I don't sing too loud, because then I drown out the choir and I'm all they can hear. I've heard this from more than one person, more than one time. Anyone who has ever heard me lead worship or who knows me at all knows that singing quietly doesn't really come natural to me! My mom can tell you that from a young age I've always used my "outdoor voice!" In a sense, I have had to practice some restraint, preferring others above myself. But then I find that I feel nearly like I'm grieving inside, when my inner me really wants to sing "How Great Thou Art" at the top of my lungs!

Well...today my worlds collided a bit. In the midst of singing with the choir today while another woman accompanied us on the piano, God met me so sweetly through the lyrics we were singing - in a way I hadn't yet experienced Him in our church on a Sunday morning. He even met me in the responsive reading, which typically is spoken by us all so mono-tone-ly that I can hardly wait for it be over. Then, the next hymn hit me even harder...and the silent tears flowed. I of coursed dried them quickly and tried not to make a scene. ;o)

I guess I somehow felt today I was able to sing with all my heart even if it was not with all my volume. :) It was a small breakthrough - perhaps like a missionary who has been serving in China and singing songs in Chinese for years before they ever really connected with the strange syllables they have been singing all that time. Slowly, that new language starts to become their own - at least a language they can better understand, appreciate, and truly communicate with (though you may still prefer your native tongue when it comes to expressing your most intimate feelings to God!).

Silly side note: I still haven't figured out how to sing and stand still. I'm always sort of swaying back and forth when the rest of the choir seems to stand in one place. I must look like a have to go to the bathroom or something, moving around as I do. Still working on that one. :)

Don't hear me totally wrong here, there ARE people in our church who WOULD welcome me really "being me," who like contemporary music very much, and support me whole-heartedly regardless of their feelings on the subject - but they are the kind of good people that wouldn't want to alienate the other half of the church for the sake of their own preferences either. I guess it kind of just "is what it is" in a small, traditional church that existed long before us and will hopefully continue to exist long after us.

Joshua and I are certainly trying to encourage them in various ways that our heart is to BRIDGE the ancient and modern when it comes to the music we use in worship. We don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water and go to "rock and roll music" only. We value the hymns and the richness that they bring - and we can appreciate the organ and piano as well - but we also value the modern psalmists and the fresh word they bring to the living, breathing, ever-growing Church of today - and would love to incorporate guitars, drums, and at times - yes - even electric amplification of those as well!

The bottom line is, for this season of life, this is where the Lord has called my husband and I to serve. We both feel strongly about that though perplexed sometimes as well! I guess we are learning everything that we can in the process - about ourselves, about the Church, about the greater Kingdom picture that goes way beyond our own style-of-worship-preferences.

As painful as awkward as it can be much of the time...I can honestly say I'm grateful for the lessons. And I'm grateful for the folks who have loved us in the process, and even thankful for the ones who haven't...for they may have taught me the most.

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If you're glutton for punishment and STILL reading after an already very long blog, here's a little "Show and Tell" from today's service. The responsive reading was taken from Psalm 22, and then this is the hymn that followed:

MY FAITH LOOKS UP TO THEE
Words: Ray Palmer, 1875
Music: Lowell Mason, 1831

My faith looks up to Thee
Thou Lamb of Calvary, Savior Divine!
Now hear me while I pray, take all my guilt away
O let me from this day be wholly thine

May Thy rich grace impart
Strength to my fainting heart; my zeal inspire!
As Thou hast died for me, O may my love to Thee
Pure, warm, and changeless be a living fire

When life's dark maze I tread
And griefs around me spread, be Thou my guide!
Bid darkness turn to day, wipe sorrows tears away
Nor let me ever stray from Thee aside

When ends life's transient dream
When death's cold, sullen stream shall o'er me roll
Blest Savior, then in love, fear and distrust remove
O bear me safe above, a ransomed soul